Friday, my MIL was babysitting my kids for about an hour. When I got home I heard from dh that she would no longer babysit because our 3yr old wouldn't respect her authority. Turns out he did something (rode too far down the sidewalk) so she brought him inside for a 3 minute timeout. It turned into an hour of her trying to get him to sit still (think SuperNanny - MIL thinks she is great). We don't use timeouts so this was a completely new idea for him. Yesterday, when dh took somethings to her house she told him that she thinks that both of our boys are going to end up in jail (they are 3 and 6) because we don't send them to school and they don't respect authority (hers, mainly). She also said my daughter(10) was going to be assaulted because she likes to wear skorts and was climbing a tree in one. Turns out she thinks the skirt is too short. She also thinks that because dd isn't in school she will only be good as someone's wife. Part of me just laughs at the absurdity of her comments. My dh did stand up for us (and himself). He hated school and feels like school taught him to hate himself among other things. MIL commented that his sister seemed to like school. Dh replied that she liked it so much she never left (she just finished another degree at 40yr - of course we have no problem with this - her choice) Sometimes it's hard to see where she is coming from. This is the same woman who sent me a Ginott book, which doesn't seem to endorse punishments - of course she locked her own kids in their rooms and taught DH to bite himself when he is stressed. Generally I am just venting a bit.
Amie
Amie
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Re: MIL comments
Wed, May 7, 2008 - 8:38 AMYikes, she sounds kinda kooky! @.@ Sorry you have to deal with that.
I guess I'd just let her say her piece (NOT in front of the kids of course) and say "well, I'll take that into consideration." or something like that. If she keeps persisting I'd say "look, you've let us know how you feel about things, but we've made our decisions. The subject is closed." And then cut her off if she starts again.
I'd probably take more drastic steps if she says anything of the sort in front of the kids. No more unsupervised time.
me, I never get to use these strategies. My MIL only talks about me behind my back. :-/ -
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Re: MIL comments
Wed, May 7, 2008 - 2:07 PMA couple of things occurred to me with this--one is something I've been thinking about lately because there was a discussion somewhere else where this subject came up. Someone suggested that when we really get defensive because someone is attacking our choices around unschooling, it might be worthwhile to check in with ourselves and see if those criticisms are touching on things we are actually feeling a little uncertain about. It made sense to me because even though I've only been at this about a year, everything about unschooling ,especiallly if you are doing radical unschooling, is so far off the mainstream path that you get a lot of comments from people. I am an anxious person by nature so that kind of thing always makes me doubt myself for a little while until I think it through.
But what Jeni said is also the response I find most workable--'you know, you might be right' and change the subject. Because, in the larger picture, the possibility exists that she could be right. We hope, of course, that she isn't, but I find just saying something like that leaves the person who is on the attack with nowhere else to go.
Anyway, I wish you luck. It's really hard to have someone scaremongering you like that, especially if it's your only help with child care. -
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Re: MIL comments
Thu, May 8, 2008 - 8:59 AMActually, I don't get too upset over comments from MIL, or my own mother any more. It bewilders me that they say the things they say. As my DH says, If I listened (or took to heart) all of the things my MIL says I'll go crazy or become horribly depressed.
I do hope the boys don't end up in prison, but I really think it is much too soon to tell these things (at 3 and 6) :) I know my parenting is not perfect, but I'm still working on it - just not in the ways they want.
On a brighter note, my grandma called me the most patient mom this week. A little balance at least.
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Re: MIL comments
Thu, May 8, 2008 - 11:19 AMWow, I just have to say, this was like dealing with my grandmother when she came to visit over Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman dearly, but it was very difficult for me to have her in my house. She kept insisting that Corde had to sit at the table until she was finished eating her entire meal or she had to go straight to bed with no story, no songs, no bath, no nothing. I was told that she didn't eat her meals and didn't clean her room because she didn't respect my authority. She would rule the household if I didn't assert my authority. Then she gave me a book for Christmas about how to get kids to set solid limitations with my children so they would obey. Needless to say, it's not something I ever intend to use. However, I've learned to just accept that she's always going to act that way with my children. She's far too stubborn and set in her ways to accept the choices I've made in my life. Rather than letting it get to me, I just let it pass through, in one ear and out the other as my mom used to say. I've found it's the best thing I can do. I usually leave it with a comment such as "So you think I should (insert whatever she told me I should do), huh... I hadn't really thought about that, but I'll keep it in mind." And I'm not really lying. Usually it's something I hadn't really put much thought into. I will keep it in mind, though probably as a reminder to catch myself if I find myself falling into those patterns again. It may not be how she was figuring I would, but it's work keeping in my head.
I think it really is the hardest when family looks down on you for the way you interact with your children. With the outside world, a lot of what they see is just a set of well behaved and happy children. They rarely look far enough to see that you don't send your children to school and don't use time-outs. The thing that matters most to them is whether or not they're throwing a fit in the grocery store, or annoying ever other person they come across. However, family see how you act with your kids to it's fullest complexity. It's one of the many reasons I'm glad my family all lives so far away! -
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Re: MIL comments
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 4:01 PMwow good timing. i am visiting a dear friend whom has a child the same age, four years old. I feel full support from my mother friend, however, her partner is of the old school and uses punitive timeouts and threats of spanking. I have tried my best not to interfere but a couple of times he has told my son "your on time out", which ofcourse is new to him too. More then this he has witnessed him threatening his daughter. I am only a guest so there is not much to do but move on from this house... Yet it has triggered me, in that last nite he was getting on me about how i interact with my son which is not his business. Feeling very protective of my child in his presence. It is quite awful. And yet my son loves his lil friend and her mother and understands that the father just has different rules and does not seem upset about it and wants to stay. I have been ready to leave this whole week but can not get anything organized while he is here because i am so protective i do not want to leave my son alone if he is home. This tribe is my lifeline right now as i have not met more then one parent in the physical whom does not use such methods, which i find abusive. It is so prevalant in this culture and i want to protect my son from it yet it keeps popping up... -
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Re: MIL comments
Fri, May 9, 2008 - 4:02 PMactually my family is much easier... it is other friends and strangers whom feel for whatever reason they have to push punitive ways on my child... even in so called "alternative communities"...
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